


Guys with short wands

by everchanginginks



Category: Glee, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Dick Jokes, Drabble, Ficlet, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 01:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9576257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everchanginginks/pseuds/everchanginginks
Summary: Kurt needs cheering up and Puck has a failproof plan: a dick joke.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I found this while organizing my files and I still think it's kind of cute. Written 2015. Scroll down for my wand head canons for Puck, Kurt and Blaine :)

Puck lets out a long-suffering sigh and stares down at his battered copy of _The Standard Book of Spells_ , Professor Flitwick’s squeaky voice explaining _once again_ how to make water out of thin air. Puck already knows how, alright, it just happens to maybe not be drinkable? No matter how many times he tries, his bowl only fills with a greyish sludge. 

His sigh is echoed by Kurt next to him. Kurt had flicked his wrist once, murmured _aguamenti_ under his breath and his bowl had filled with crystal-clear, probably delicious water. Kurt had then tucked away his wand and made sad puppy eyes over at Blaine’s gelled head two rows ahead. Blaine is sitting next to Sebastian, waiving his wand half-heartedly while mooning over Sebastian next to him.

Puck rolls his eyes. If anyone asked him, he’d say those two assholes deserve each other, but Kurt seems to think differently. Puck wouldn’t get it, he supposes. He’s never been different, like Kurt. Puck will probably never understand how it feels to have found someone who might possibly understand him, just to have that person reject him in favor of someone else. 

Sebastian leans over to whisper something into Blaine’s ear with a smirk on his lips. His hand strokes across Blaine’s thigh. Puck can see Blaine blushing all the way from his seat. Kurt looks like the little hope he had left just got squashed. He looks heartbroken.  


Puck is hit with the sudden urge to comfort Kurt. To make him feel better. Only he doesn’t know how. He’s just Puck, stupid knucklehead Puck, and Kurt is… well, Kurt. Special and nothing like Puck at all. 

Puck leans over anyway.

“You know what they say about guys with short wands, right?” He whispers into Kurt’s ear, with a nod towards Blaine and his stumpy 8” wand.

Kurt turns his head towards Puck. He looks as if he has zero patience for Puck’s presence at all today. 

“What?” He says on a heavy exhale, almost reluctantly.

Puck doesn’t miss a beat.

“Tiny dicks.”

The slack-jawed look of surprise on Kurt’s face is priceless. Puck’s grin widens. The laughter that bursts out of Kurt is startled and loud, making everyone turn their heads to stare at them in bewilderment. Puck’s body is shaking and he has to duck his head and bite his lip hard so he won’t get pulled into Kurt’s infectious laughter. 

“Mr. Hummel, Mr. Puckerman!” Professor Flitwick pipes up and Kurt makes a genuine effort to shut up, his hand covering his mouth. “What can possibly be so amusing?”

Kurt’s eyes flitters over to Blaine’s clueless face and just loses it. Puck as well. They must look insane. Naturally, they’re thrown out, still howling with laughter. It takes them minutes to calm down in the empty corridor outside the classroom. They slump against the wall. Puck holds onto his aching stomach and Kurt is red in the face, still giggling.

“I can’t believe I lost it like that over a _dick joke,”_ Kurt says, drying tears from his cheeks with his sleeve.

“An _awesome_ dick joke,” Puck preens. 

They’re standing close. Puck has got an absolute stellar view of Kurt’s smooth, flushed cheeks and long eyelashes. Kurt meets his eyes and Puck thinks he sees gratitude somewhere in there, like Kurt has figured out why he even cracked the joke to begin with. Puck clears his throat uncomfortably.

“So, uh…” He says, finding his bravado and grin again. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?”

It’s enough to set Kurt off into another fit of giggles while Puck pulls his wand from his robes, waggles his eyebrows for effect.

“Ten inches,” he boasts.

Kurt shakes his head in amusement and pulls out his wand too, twirls it expertly between his long, pale fingers.

“Twelve and a half,” he replies and honest to god smirks at Puck.

He raises his eyebrows in challenge. Puck can’t resist him- _it._ The challenge. Can’t resist the challenge.

“Mr. Hummel,” he gasps in mock-outrage. “You dirty little fucker.”

Kurt grins briefly before schooling his features into something innocent, but his eyes are still sparkling with mischief.

“Not so little,” he replies and instantly blushes a splotchy red, like he can’t believe he just said that.

Puck just laughs. It makes the slight hint of regret disappear from Kurt’s face and he pushes away from the wall. He takes a few steps before looking back at Puck.

“Coming?” he asks, biting his lip nervously. 

Puck shoulders his bag and hurries after him, grinning from ear to ear. He bumps into Kurt’s shoulder and he doesn’t hold his hand or anything like that, but maybe he wants to and he’s pretty sure Kurt wants it too. In due time though, in due time.

**Author's Note:**

> Noah Puckerman: Larch, unicorn hair, 10”, surprisingly bendy. Larch makes for strong and durable wands. It’s attractive and easy on the eyes with its rich, warm color. It instills courage and confidence in its owner, but is hard to please. A core of unicorn hair evens out its temperament and allows it to perform more stable enchantments. It possesses great hidden talents and unexpected effects, just like its owner. 
> 
> Kurt Hummel: Aspen, dragon heartstring, 12,5”. A very stylish wand. The white, fine-grained wood resembles ivory and wands made of this material are known for their outstanding charmwork. It’s best suited for a strong-minded and determined owner, who will without doubt become an accomplished duelist. Its core of dragon heartstring makes for a rather temperamental wand. Combined with its considerable length it can create flamboyant and astonishing magic. 
> 
> Blaine Anderson: Maple, unicorn hair, 8”. Any wand made of maple is a mark of status. These costly wands are often heirlooms inherited through generations within wealthy families. It craves ambition in its owner and tends to seek out travelers and explorers. However, its remarkably short length indicates that its owner lacks in character.


End file.
